Bob's Thoughts: Leaving

When I was younger, I was in a social club called the Plug Uglies. They are what’s known as a music crew, and the Plugs specifically are devoted to helping the indie punk and metal music scene across the Southeast. I started as a lowly prospect, and over the span of seven years worked my way up to national president.

And then I left, burning the bridge to light my way forward. I had my reasons, but they aren’t the point of this blog post.

I sunk seven years worth of building my identity into the relationships I grew within the bounds of that organization. And when I moved on, it left a huge gap. Who was I, if not a Plug Ugly? I had to figure that out now.

In the past couple of weeks, I have had a large number of friends leave the organizations they had once loved. Some left the Plugs. Some left the NaNoWriMo community because of what a nightmare situation that has become. And my heart feels for them. I’ve been there. It sucks. You build a life where these social structures play such an outsized role, and then one day you aren’t a member anymore.

One silver lining of the dark times of Covid for me, was they came just a few short months after I left the Plugs. It allowed me to have a much cleaner break than I would have otherwise. I went from a life of traveling lots of weekends to go to punk shows, partying hard, to many months of isolation and bubbling. It helped me shift the patterns of my life. Hell, I essentially stopped drinking, save for the odd sack of Guinness at conventions.

But the biggest help I found, was finding new outlets for that energy. I had sunk so much time and effort into the Plugs, that was able to take and funnel right into starting my journey in self publishing, and starting my non-profit, The Hilltop Howlers. I was able to build my new identity around new social structures that fulfill me. It's a different sort of fit, but I'm a different sort of person now. The brash young man who joined the Plugs out a sense of not belonging anywhere would balk at the life I live now I think. But the man I am now? It's exactly where I have grown into being, and it's perfect.

Instead of traveling all the time to go to punk shows, I travel all the time to go to conventions. I've exchanged my Plug Ugly family for my con family. I've swapped helping to book and throw punk shows, with organizing art markets and local government initiatives.

And above all, I found my LadyWife. I remember on one of our very first dates looking across the table and telling her "So that club I'm in? I think I'm about to leave it." She was the first person I told actually, and she worried I was doing it for her. I wasn't, but I would be lying if having such an amazing woman enter my life at that moment didn't factor into my thought process. She was the perfect woman for me, in the perfect moment of my life. That will go a long way to soothing any hurt.

I still feel twinges of longing for my previous 'life.' I had a lot of amazing experiences, but I grew past them. As many of my friends are now. And I guess what I have to say to them, or anyone in a similar situation in life: it gets better. You're going to miss those old times, those old connections. That sting will lessen, but I don't think it will ever fully go away. Not if the good times were as good as the ones I had. But with work, you'll find something just as fulfilling.

Take some time and mourn. And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to vent in, I'm here for you. But when you are ready, get back on that horse, and find your new thing. I'll be here to cheer you on.

See you in Paradise my friends.