Something To Look Back On

Last night the LadyFriend and I watched the final two episodes of Blown Away season 3 (spoilers for that show incoming). While I have some issues with the show, I do generally love it. Of course, my boy John Sharvin was doomed to lose because I picked him to win (something that is so pervasive that every time I pick my favorite on a show the LadyFriend asks why I would do that to them). I was pleased however that my second pick John Moran managed to get the win. While I would have been happy with any of the final four winning, deep down in my brains heart I wanted Moran to win. When I said that, the LadyFriend asked why. I replied that it was based on the fact that in one if his interview bits he expressed that he's been doing this for 20 years and has no savings, and nothing really to show for it.

Now I have no doubt he was being hyperbolic to a degree (maybe not about the savings part, I feel you John!), but something about that really struck a chord with me. I wasn't able to put it into words in that moment, but after a restless night and a quiet morning I think I am better able to do so.

I have always defined success in my own ways, usually not involving money. For example, one pit stop on my road map to success was being on a panel at Dragon Con, and I have now been able to tick that off my list! It's a list I am constantly revising, so that it's always driving me forward.

But hearing Moran in that moment really struck at a fear of mine that had been lurking there behind it all, and he brought into the light of my fore-mind. That I may keep after this whole writing thing for 20 years and essentially have nothing to show for it. Now, I am lucky in that I have a good day job, so that won't be the case. But it could be that after 20 years of seriously pursuing my craft that I might 'have nothing to show for it,' by which I take to mean in my case as not having gotten to a place where I consider myself a more realized success.

I've never been under any illusions that I will be the next Stephen King, Robin Hobb, or Neil Gaiman. I've never thought that I would become a rich man off my craft. But...I'd be lying if I said I didn't envision a certain level of notoriety. The kind of person that might maybe have a series successful enough that the rights are bought by some movie studio to remain in production hell for a decade before inevitably reverting back to me. Or that might be the kind of person that could actually sell his autograph at a convention one day. I'm not saying I want to be Jim Butcher...I just want to be Jim Butcher level famous lol.

As an indie author though, that is a tall, tall, tall order.

I've been doing this for a bit over a decade now. And I wonder, where will I be in nine years? Will I be some faceless author, toiling away in the mire for book launches that number at most a couple hundred sales? Or will I be a guy that attends Dragon Con not as a regular joe, but as an invited guest? Will everything outside of anthologies be indie published, or will I catch the eye of some agent/publisher for some of my books?

I write because I love it, and will be doing so at the end of 20 years no matter the outcome. But I would love to have my John Moran moment, where I get to see the decades of work pay off in a big, tangible way. That's all. Maybe I'm greedy, naïve, or more likely both. But when I am lying there on my death bed from a spam induced heart attack, it would be cool to have a moment like that to look back on.

A boy can dream, right?

Congrats John Moran, sounds like you earned it big guy.